The other day I was feeling nostalgic and couldn't fall asleep, so I began looking through old pictures of myself on Facebook. Starting in 2008, I took a little trip down memory lane. To be honest, I haven't changed much. I look almost exactly the same now as I did when I was a junior in high school. However, when I came across pictures of 18-year-old-freshman-in-college me, I had trouble recognizing myself. My eyes were dark, my smile was fake, and my face seemed thin. In these pictures, I was doing my very best to appear happy when in reality I was struggling to hold it all together.
My freshman year of college was not a good year. In fact, it might have been my worst year ever. When I started college, I had it in my head that while I was there, I was going to meet the man of my dreams, date him for awhile, get engaged, graduate, and then promptly get married. It would be beautiful and perfect. It would go exactly the way I had planned it out. So, the first guy that showed interest in me was the first and only guy I dated in college. At first he was great: nice, attentive, interesting, caring. As I got to know him, though, things changed. I began to realize that maybe he wasn't the guy I thought he was. Maybe he had been hiding who he truly was. In an attempt to make sure things went according to "my plan," I ignored the red flags. I ignored anger. I ignored lies. I ignored harsh words. Instead, I tried to change him. I tried to make changes that really only God could make. I ignored the concerns of my family and friends all in an attempt to make my plans work out. I was convinced that this was the man I was supposed to marry.
Obviously, I'm not still dating that guy and I am not getting married any time soon. And I'm okay with that. When I finally ended things with College Boyfriend, I was completely broken. Months of trying to fix him had destroyed me. I felt a million miles away from God. I was unsure of who I was. I had distanced myself from everyone that I had once been close with.
This is one of my least favorite stories to tell because it's not a time that I'm proud of; it's a story of struggle and mistakes. For so long I was ashamed of this year because of the way I distanced myself from God, family, and friends. I'm writing this, though, because I think someone needs to read it. Someone, even if it's only one person, needs to know that she isn't alone. Someone needs to know that even if she has distanced herself from everyone who truly loves her, she is a daughter of the King of Kings. Someone needs to hear that she is God's beautiful masterpiece. Someone needs to hear that she is loved, that she is beautiful. Someone needs to hear that God has a plan so much better than hers.
I thought for a long time that I needed to be perfect, that I needed to have it all together. Well, guess what? I didn't have it all together then and I certainly don't have it all together now. But I have an awesome grace-filled Savior who does have it all together, who knows what's coming up next for me, and who has a plan for my life and will be faithful to complete it.
That was my worst year, but every year since then has been my best year. Every year since then has been full of discovering more about my Jesus, about falling more in love with him, and about learning to trust him more. So friends, if you're feeling the way I did, know that you are loved, you are not forgotten, and that He's waiting for you with open arms. Now go run into that warm embrace and hear your Daddy say, "Welcome home, my beloved."
Love,
Erin
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