S T R E N G T H

Friends, the end of college is near for me! Less than 5 weeks from now, I'm going to be a college graduate. An official grown-up.

This semester, I've gone from being so excited to graduate to so sad that I'm graduating to completely at peace about it to somewhere in between. 

Lately, I've been somewhere in between. I can't wait to not have homework to do, papers to write, and tests to study for. But I'll miss spending time with people doing that homework, writing those papers, and studying for those tests. I'll miss the community. 

These mixed emotions have been making me a little bit weepy. This is such a bittersweet time of life. It's really easy to make me cry right now! With the tears coming more easily than usual (and let's be real: I'm already a cry baby), I've been thinking a lot about where I find strength. 

I think that my first instinct is to look to myself for strength. 

"Maybe if I give myself a little pep talk, I won't feel so sad. Buck up, sport. Suck it up. Pull yourself together." 

That usually doesn't work though. 

Sometimes I look to others for strength. But people don't do and say what I want all the time. They don't always want to listen and they don't always say the right thing. They fall short. 

While I'm trying to solve my own problems and wipe my own tears, God is just waiting for me to share them all with him. I think we sometimes think that we shouldn't bother God with our "minor" problems. 

"I'll save my time with God for the big things. I can handle the little ones," we say. 

Well guess what? Our time with God is all the time and having an intimate relationship with him means sharing the small things, the big things, and everything in between. God wants us to share it all with him. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad, everything. When we share it all with God, he lifts the burden of our weaknesses and uses them for his glory. 

Maybe you're like me getting ready to graduate. Maybe you're just going through a tough time. Maybe this is a happy time for you. Whatever your circumstances, I urge you to rely on our Jesus for the strength that you can only find in him. Tell him about it all. He wants to rejoice with you in the happy times and be your shoulder to cry on in sad times. He wants to calm the storm when you're anxious. He wants to be our peace and our guide. 

Friends, I'm praying for peace over your lives this week. 

With love, 

Erin 

P.S. Go read Psalm 139 and Matthew 6-7. They're my current faves. 

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My Worst Year

The other day I was feeling nostalgic and couldn't fall asleep, so I began looking through old pictures of myself on Facebook. Starting in 2008, I took a little trip down memory lane. To be honest, I haven't changed much. I look almost exactly the same now as I did when I was a junior in high school. However, when I came across pictures of 18-year-old-freshman-in-college me, I had trouble recognizing myself. My eyes were dark, my smile was fake, and my face seemed thin. In these pictures, I was doing my very best to appear happy when in reality I was struggling to hold it all together.

My freshman year of college was not a good year. In fact, it might have been my worst year ever. When I started college, I had it in my head that while I was there, I was going to meet the man of my dreams, date him for awhile, get engaged, graduate, and then promptly get married. It would be beautiful and perfect. It would go exactly the way I had planned it out. So, the first guy that showed interest in me was the first and only guy I dated in college. At first he was great: nice, attentive, interesting, caring. As I got to know him, though, things changed. I began to realize that maybe he wasn't the guy I thought he was. Maybe he had been hiding who he truly was. In an attempt to make sure things went according to "my plan," I ignored the red flags. I ignored anger. I ignored lies. I ignored harsh words. Instead, I tried to change him. I tried to make changes that really only God could make. I ignored the concerns of my family and friends all in an attempt to make my plans work out. I was convinced that this was the man I was supposed to marry.

Obviously, I'm not still dating that guy and I am not getting married any time soon. And I'm okay with that. When I finally ended things with College Boyfriend, I was completely broken. Months of trying to fix him had destroyed me. I felt a million miles away from God. I was unsure of who I was. I had distanced myself from everyone that I had once been close with.

This is one of my least favorite stories to tell because it's not a time that I'm proud of; it's a story of struggle and mistakes. For so long I was ashamed of this year because of the way I distanced myself from God, family, and friends. I'm writing this, though, because I think someone needs to read it. Someone, even if it's only one person, needs to know that she isn't alone. Someone needs to know that even if she has distanced herself from everyone who truly loves her, she is a daughter of the King of Kings. Someone needs to hear that she is God's beautiful masterpiece. Someone needs to hear that she is loved, that she is beautiful. Someone needs to hear that God has a plan so much better than hers.

I thought for a long time that I needed to be perfect, that I needed to have it all together. Well, guess what? I didn't have it all together then and I certainly don't have it all together now. But I have an awesome grace-filled Savior who does have it all together, who knows what's coming up next for me, and who has a plan for my life and will be faithful to complete it.

That was my worst year, but every year since then has been my best year. Every year since then has been full of discovering more about my Jesus, about falling more in love with him, and about learning to trust him more. So friends, if you're feeling the way I did, know that you are loved, you are not forgotten, and that He's waiting for you with open arms. Now go run into that warm embrace and hear your Daddy say, "Welcome home, my beloved."

Love,
Erin

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Scary Future vs. Faithful God

"Let's do something spontaneous," one of my friends said a few Fridays ago. 

My reply: "Ok, let's plan something for Sunday after church!" 

Clearly, I am a crazy, type-A planner, which is awesome when it comes to things like homework and jobs. It's a little less awesome when it comes to real life where things very rarely go exactly the way I plan.

I'm at a weird place in life right now called the end of college. Lots of people keep asking me the question: "So what are you doing when you graduate?" I would like to respond by bursting into tears and screaming/blubbering "I DON'T KNOW!!!" But since that is probably overly dramatic and semi-inappropriate, my response is usually more like this: "Well, I'm searching and applying for jobs and hope to find one by the time I graduate."

Unfortunately, the rehearsed response to my most dreaded question does not at all reflect how I actually feel about the future. I have been freaking out a little (ok, A LOT) because I don't have much of a plan at all. And I like to have a plan.

I have been reading through Genesis and what has stuck out to me again and again is that people like Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (ya know, the guys who are eventually part of the lineage of Jesus?) can sometimes have so little faith. No matter how many times these guys express fear or doubt, though, God continues to be faithful and provide for them everything they need and more. As I read, I keep thinking to myself, "Wow, these guys are so dumb! Don't they know that God will work everything out in the end?" Um, no Erin, they don't know. Because they're human just like you. Just like I don't know the end of my story, they didn't know the end of theirs. When life is scary, it's hard to hand the reigns to God and trust that he's got everything under control.

I'm scared of the future because I don't know what it holds. I don't where I'll be working or living. I don't know where I'll be going to church or who my friends will be. I don't know anything. And that freaks me out. It's unsettling to know that I'm leaving behind the community that has become such an integral part of my life.

It's exciting, though, that I'm about to embark on a new journey. It's exciting to know that new adventures are on the horizon. It's exciting to know that I get to meet new people and form new relationships.

If only I could know the itinerary for the journey. If only I could choose the adventures. If only I could know who my future friends will be so I could search (stalk) them on Facebook a little. If only...

My "if only's" will likely not become realities. What I'm holding on to right now is that God is with me, that God provides, and that God is faithful to the end.

I'm holding on to Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Sincerely,
Erin

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The Necklace

"Me gusta este, I like this," I said pointing to the heart shaped pendant hanging around a girl's neck on our first day in Santa Cruz, Guatemala. I didn't know what to say, but I wanted to say something. It was important to me to try my best to speak Spanish, even if I had no idea what to say or how to say it. These three simple words opened the door to much more conversation with a girl who I would come to find out was named Alba Elizabeth.

My middle-school helpers. Alba Elizabeth is the one to my left.

Alba was one of the three middle-school aged girls that helped in my fourth grade class during VBS. They were each extremely helpful but Alba was clearly the leader of their group. She took charge in the classroom, passing out Play-Doh, beads, crayons, markers, and paper. When the children got restless she started a math game. She made sure the class was quiet when I needed to speak. I quickly realized that not only was Alba an awesome helper, but also a thoughtful friend. During that week, she saved Play-Doh for me each day so I could join the children in sculpting countless beautiful creations. While all the children were drawing pictures, she drew me one, complete with a sweet note. She even taught me some Spanish and proudly put the little English she knew to use. Outside of the classroom, Alba introduced me to many of her friends. She and I would sit arm-in-arm watching some of the other kids play sports. We chatted about everything from school to dreams to boys and she brought me to see her favorite place in Santa Cruz. It took just a few short days for us to become close friends.

Watching some of the guys play volleyball. Alba is to my right.

On the day that we left Santa Cruz, I brought an armful of my clothes to give to "my girls" as I called Alba's group of friends. I passed out t-shirts and sweatshirts and hugged each of these sweet girls about a thousand times. Then, right before it was time to leave, Alba came up to me and placed her heart shaped necklace in my hand. "No, no, no," I said with tears in my eyes trying to refuse her gift. But she closed my hand around it and insisted that I take it. I couldn't believe her generosity. I didn't deserve this gift. This was likely one of her most prized possessions and she wanted me to have it.

"My girls" on our last day in Santa Cruz. 

As I write this now, holding the necklace in my hand, almost 6 weeks since that day, I am still in absolute shock of Alba's great generosity and display of love. I've thought about this gift a lot since that day and to me, her gift is a perfect picture of God's great love. Just like Alba gave her necklace, her prized possession to me, God gave Jesus to us. God loves us so much, despite our flaws and shortcomings, that he sacrificed his beloved son. Alba's gift was surely a sacrifice; yet she wanted me to have it because she loved me. And that's the same way God feels about sending Jesus. WOW.

Saying my last (teary-eyed) goodbye to Alba. 

Sharing this little story with you all has been on my heart for almost a week now. This single gift impacted me more than almost anything else on the entire trip. It left me speechless and in tears; I felt so loved in that moment. In this moment, as I write, I'm in tears and feeling loved all over again. So imagine with me if we reacted like that every time we thought about God's gift of salvation. If you haven't truly thought about it in awhile, let yourself be in awe. Let it bring you to tears. Let yourself be speechless.

Sincerely,
Erin

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It's All About the People

"I could see you doing this for the rest of your life," my professor, Dr. Starr, said to me as I sat on the ground comforting two crying Indian children. At the time, I assumed that he meant he could see me being a missionary. I took that statement to heart. It stuck with me and caused me to seriously contemplate what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Was I supposed to be a missionary? Was God calling me to another country? What was my purpose? I spent almost a whole semester of college struggling with these questions.

And slowly, I began to realize that no, I probably wasn't going to be a missionary. I probably wouldn't be packing up and moving to another country when I graduated from college. So, that was that. I didn't think much about what Dr. Starr had said to me again until this summer.

This summer as I awaited my trip to Guatemala, I began reading a book called Jesus Is _____. The more I read, the more Jesus revealed His character to me. For so long I thought of Jesus as God, but I never thought much about the fact that He was human too, that He interacted with people, that he walked around. I don't know; I read about it, but never truly grasped its reality. Until this summer that is. The thing that struck me most and convicted me most was that Jesus loved everybody. He loved the unloved. He saw the invisible people. He took time to notice and care for the outcasts.

In Guatemala, Dr. Starr's words in India came to mind once again. "I could see you doing this for the rest of your life." I still don't know exactly what he meant, but suddenly the ambiguous "this" didn't mean being a missionary. Instead, "this" simply meant loving people.

There are people everywhere that need to be loved and that need to know Jesus' love. And I can do that! No matter where I am, I can love people. Whether I am at school, working in a cubicle, or traveling the world, God has called me to love because He first loved me.

Coming home from Guatemala I didn't experience the kind of discontent that I experienced after India. I think it's because I learned this: it's all about the people. It's all about taking the time to form real friendships. It's all about seeing the invisible people. It's all about listening to untold stories. It doesn't matter where I am, I can love people just as much at my college and in my city as I can in India or Guatemala or anywhere else in the world.

I don't know where I read this, but I keep this little nugget of wisdom in the back of my mind:

You cannot love your brother across the world if you cannot love your neighbor across the street.

So I challenge you friends: where ever you are, whether you are living in the place you've always lived or across the world, show genuine love to the people that you encounter. I could see you doing this for the rest of your life.

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